Each week over the summer we are posting new fiction, non-fiction and poetry by Aotearoa writers. This week, poet Chris Tse shares a poem from his forthcoming collection, He's So Masc.

Read the rest of the series:
'Drunk Girls' by Helen O'Connor
'How To Die' by Jo Randerson
Two poems by Louise Wallace
Two poems by Vaughan Rapatahana

It’s been a personal quest of mine to find the saddest song in the world. Many of the poems that I’m writing at the moment explore the role of music in our lives and its relationship to memory. I’m particularly interested in how music functions as a conduit for shared experiences. This poem ponders what ‘the saddest song’ could mean to different people.'

The saddest song in the world

1.

I can fit the saddest song in the world in my carry-on.I can fit the saddest song in the world in my right-side brain.

But I can’t fit it in my lungs or hold on to it with confidencewhen underwater.              And I can’t fit the saddest song

on one side of a 90-minute cassette tape withoutan uncomfortable interlude cutting into its breath.

There is only so much space I can allocate to the saddestsong in the world;              the weight is unbearable.                              

2.

The saddest song in the world is the boy you kissed as a dare.The saddest song in the world is a fist without purpose.

But the saddest song is not the worst day of your life and it has never had its heart broken by the same man twice.

The saddest song in the world would never lose its keysbehind the couch or leave drowned teabags in the sink.

The saddest song in the world will treat you to a meal ata fancy restaurant: twelve verses with matching wines.

When we sing our hope to pieces, the saddest song in the worldis there to provide notes.            It is honest, but constructive.

Every night the world shakes as the saddest song adds anotherverse to its menu                              then swallows the moon.

3.

Everybody knows the saddest song in the world. They loopit in delivery rooms and maternity wards as Baby’s First Song.    

The saddest song in the world has no title, no lyrics, no melody,no fixed abode:          it floats between throats that harbour it

for those moments when we are in need of a voiceof reason     a song to frame the fog and light.

I have heard the saddest song in the world at night clubs.I have heard the saddest song in the world at funerals.

I have heard the saddest song in the world during the creditsof films about forgotten artists and journeys into outer space.

The saddest song in the world is always readyfor its entrance, never once missing a cue.

4.

Once, a lover exhaled my name in ecstasy and transformed itinto the saddest song in the world   all bolting nerves

and tender skin pulling at the roar of the avalanchein me. By morning, his name had taken another form

one freed from the haze of giddy crush though it still rings in mea stubborn joy.   The room in which we sung each other’s names

is now an altar with no idol. Likewise, when I was once lostin the company of foreign tongues    every new word shared

to describe the sorrow of joy shook me like the saddest songin the world. A list of first loves. An index of loss.

The saddest song in the world was kind enough to pull me backinto comfort           its reassurances a cool blade of sound.

5.

Instruments and samples heard on the saddest song in the world:

My first guitarFootsteps (snow)String quartet in the rainThe last line of every romantic movieAccordion with punctured lungTenor horn with stage frightA dying horse’s final wishFootsteps (broken glass)Baby’s last wordHis nameMovies about dying petsA supercut of old men sobbingBooks burning in a town squareLightning striking a country houseA single father scraping burnt toastDorothy letting go of OzA glimpse of a parallelThe last remaining pair of reading glasses (smashed)Roy Orbison’s ‘Crying’ | Rebekah Del Rio’s ‘Llorando’Imagined duet between a grandfather and his grandsonAn ex-lover sleeping in the next roomA prom queen’s address to her people‘For sale: baby shoes, never worn’.

6.

Don’t forget that sometimes people leave, that lines ofconnection will be drowned by seas of noise. We hover

hands above stovetops to test for heat, but what can we do towarn ourselves of impending absence? Don’t forget to share

your sadness, in parcels sent from the mainland, your blacks andblues in search of the spectrum. There are consequences to consider

when you share the saddest song in the world with desperatepeople. Some will take its words and stretch them towards

new meanings, beyond their humble origins. It must meanthis, or it must mean that. But the song snaps back into place

like a rubber band, a muscle trained to withstand the momentumof loss. They set houses on fire to entice the saddest song

back into their nights. The fires are colourless, lacking in rhythmand harmony. They keep eating themselves before dawn.

7.

You wonder how one song can do so much with the samenumber of hours in each day open to the rest of us. One minute

the song is spat from the windows of a passing car, the nextit’s the ringtone of the teenage girl next to you on the bus.

Hours later you shuffle home from work and catchthe saddest song being interviewed on TV, still bright and ready, 

about the latest political scandal. This productivity makesno sense to you. In fact, it downright stings you in your palms.

Hang the cross out to dry. Time is a side worth fighting for,to gather your children in an empty room and teach them

the meaning of patience. Let the saddest song pull the oxygenfrom the room, just enough to let you slip unknowingly into

the next day. When the time comes, let me pull you fromthe orchestra pit, your body waxing itself into a new tune.

I will usher you to where the saddest song will be waitingfor you—yes, you—with a mouth eager to drink your hum.

8.

I met a woman who claimed to have been married tothe saddest song in the world.            She showed me

a discoloured photo of their wedding day and pulled her dressout of a box marked ‘Misc’.   Nobody came to the wedding

except for the woman’s neighbour and a passer-bywho successfully negotiated an appearance fee.          

The saddest song stayed silent during the ceremonykeeping its reservations to itself yet again

just like all its other weddings. Yes, this was not the first timethe saddest song in the world had been married.  Nobody ever

accuses the saddest song in the world of being a con artist orpolygamist.  It is merely giving people the chance to experience

its company for themselves with no influence from outside noise.The saddest song in the world just wants to know you’re happy.

Slice the saddest song in half and the rings you see won’t give youits age:      each ring is another betrothal to another anxious soul,

each one more complicated than the last. The saddest songin the world spends half its annual income on spousal support.

Times are tough: radio is fickle and MTV no longer plays music.The saddest song in the world needs a new distribution model.

9.

When the saddest song in the world dies there will be no obituaryor funeral.       There will be no opportunistic tribute albums or

documentaries, and musicians will not issue sappy statementsrecalling how the saddest song influenced their own work.

You will know the second it has happened. Perhaps you’ll bein your car listening to an argument on talkback radio

or in your backyard collecting washing from the line.It will be a where were you when it happened? moment,

only no one will actually know what it is that has happened.          The air will appear thinner for the briefest of seconds

and your neighbour’s dog might start snapping at an invisible guest.The lifetime of loss you carry draped over your shoulders

will take its cue to fall away. You will make out       for the first time          the sound of birds diving through clouds

as the saddest song in the world glides into its fade out.    The saddest song in the world has left the building.